Man I Love Naps

Today I told God I don’t want to be tired anymore.

"I’m tired of being tired." Those were my exact words. I have said them many times. I am a complainer. You wouldn’t know it at first, but if you looked inside my head you’d see complaint after complaint. And a lot of them? Yeah a LOT of them have to do with being tired.

I hate being tired. A lot. It’s frustrating.

And I kinda hate that I don’t have the choice in the matter, that no matter how much coffee I drink or how many naps I take or how early I go to bed or sleep in I will still wake up and feel more exhausted than when I went to bed.

It makes me mad and I don’t like being mad. I especially don’t like being mad at God. So here are some reasons I’m thankful for being tired because if I can’t look at this like He is in control there’s a problem in my heart.

I am thankful for being tired because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t appreciate being awake as much.

I am thankful for being tired because it reminds me to be patient with people who are having bad days because I have them too.

I am thankful for being tired because it makes me pray a lot harder.

I am thankful for being tired because if I wasn’t forced to depend on Jesus to keep me awake, there are days I would not depend on Him at all.

I am thankful for being tired because of all the people who wake me up.

And I am thankful for friends who run into libraries to throw snowballs at me. And friends who run outside to have a snowball fight with me. And friends who dance in the hallway and make me laugh until I choke and let me feel safe and distract me from my homework and can talk about the important things and make me forget how tired I am. (Thank you guys.)

And on days like today where the tiredness feels like it’s winning and I’m so angry and discouraged that I have to fight tears away, I am thankful that even though I am not thankful Jesus is merciful.

I’m going to say this and I have to tell the truth: sometimes I believe it and sometimes I don’t so much but I know it’s true even when I can’t see that it is.

Jesus knows what He’s doing. He knows the “why”. You know when little kids ask “why” and you say “because” and they ask “why” and you say “because” and that goes on for half an hour? Yeah, well Jesus doesn’t do that with us. We can scream why at Him all we want, but He doesn’t just say because. In fact, I don’t think He says anything, at least not at first or for a while. He doesn’t guarantee a because for us. That’s none of our business. We don’t get to know why, and if He tells us or we think we’ve figured it out, I still don’t think we fully get it.

But you know what?

I don’t think we need to get it. If we did, that wouldn’t be faith. Faith does not really make life easier. Faith does not promise an answer. Faith says that we’ll obey, answer or not. Faith says that there is something bigger, something behind the scenes that we’re submitting to.

And faith terrifies me. Honestly, it reminds me of this roller coaster I saw at Disney World when I was nine. It was dark and you had to sit in the car and then it blasted off into a dark tube and you couldn’t see anything. I remember standing in line with my family and hearing the other riders scream as the coaster blasted away into utter… what? I didn’t know. Why would I get on that crazy thing? So I didn’t and I began to cry until my mom and I stepped out of the line and my brother and my dad went. And after my brother said that there were loops and it was super fun and I wished I had seen it.

And that’s what faith is like a lot I think. It’s looking at this crazy roller coaster jetting off into an abyss and not knowing what’s gonna happen but climbing on that thing anyway. Because even if we don’t know, Jesus does.

So no. Faith isn’t easier. But it is simpler. In fact, it simplifies everything for us I think. All the unknowns in our life? Doesn’t really matter. Jesus knows. And if we have faith in Him we know He’s doing a thing and we can trust that thing.

I don’t know why God allows me to be tired all the time. But I’m learning to have faith that says I don’t have to know. And I’m learning to thank Him for the thing He is doing, even if I don’t get it. I might not know what’s happening, but I know the One who does.  

Now if you'll excuse me, I’m gonna go take a nap.