Ailurophobia

I’ve been trying to write for the past, oh I don’t know, three weeks maybe? I’ve been channeling any and all anxiety and tears and frustration into a post, and I have something like eight pages of just ramblings.

And they’re all trash.

Fingers crossed this one isn’t.

After that really inspiring intro, I have a story for you all.

This past Sunday at church I met a woman. Her name was Linda. Making small talk, Linda asked the generic question many adults ask college-aged kids:

“What are you studying?”

I hate this question, but of course Linda wouldn’t know that. But I admitted to my undeclared-ness and prepped for the obligatory follow-up.

“Do you know what you think you’d like to do?”

“I’ve actually been considering English education lately, or maybe editing or publishing.” This is actually a not-truth. I have been looking into English, whether teaching or something else, but more in the yeah-that-doesn’t-sound-totally-boring kind of way. Have I done any research? Heck naw.

“Well, you know you’re talking to an English education major!”

I did not know that.

But here’s where things got interesting, reader.

She proceeded to tell me that she got her Bachelor’s in English secondary education, her Master’s in Linguistics, and her PhD in English as a Second Language. From Romania to Bulgaria, from immigrants to the USA to students in Mongolia she has taught her way across Europe. Now, living in Estonia, she works for the US government there.

And there I stand, having peered timidly at English secondary education, played with the idea of linguistics, and poked into ESL. Over the past month, I’ve tossed around those three studies as possible majors.

Look this might not seem like a big deal. So what, right? Coincidence. There’s lots of people in this world. And yeah that’s fine and true. But my conversation with Linda reminded me of something I realized a few weeks ago. See three Sundays ago, I sat with my head in my hands and began to understand that nothing matters. (What can I say I’m an optimist.) But really. Tell me what matters. Tell me what will change eternity other than pursuing Jesus.

Nothing.

Nothing matters but Jesus. Not what you or I do or don’t do. No decisions but those made for or against Jesus really matter. Sitting in church realizing this, I began to realize how DUMB my fears are. Fear of picking the wrong summer job? Fear of missing one opportunity in favor of a different one? Fear of sleeping through class or failing out of school? Even the big ones, like fear of choosing the wrong major? Fear of choosing the wrong career? Fear of losing my friends? Fear of bodily harm against my family?

I could have the worst summer job, have all my FOMO actualized, bomb every single class, graduate with the crappiest degree, work at the most bland corporation, watch all my friends walk away, and have everyone I love die.

And you know what?

It STILL doesn’t change eternity.

It STILL doesn’t change my God.

It STILL doesn’t change the Cross.

So why am I afraid of the unimportant? Why am I wasting my time hiding from the meaningless threats and, as I hide, letting the actual important opportunities slip away?

Because guess what? The degree I graduate with won’t matter. But the people I walk with along the way? The relationship I pursue with God? Now THAT stuff matters. And yet I spend more time studying with people than I do loving people. I spend more time reading my Bible notes than I do living out the Bible.

That is really frightening.

So what does Linda have to do with all this? I’m so glad you asked. (Just kidding. I bet you forgot about her, didn’t you?)

See I don’t really know where specifically God is calling me. And I’m indecisive and, as we’ve already found, a HUGE scaredy-cat. My fear has frozen me to the spot, and I’ve just let it. But you know, all the ideas that I’ve tossed around but been too scared to settle on, this lady Linda has done. She took the leap that I’ve been too terrified to take.

That doesn’t mean I’ll become an English education major. It means that it doesn’t matter what I become.

Following the call does not mean becoming an English education major.

Following the call means following Jesus.

There is freedom in Him. Freedom from fear

and failure. I’ve been running around and panicking and scrambling for direction or hope. But He is hope. He has not called you or I to anything other than Himself. We have been called to the Cross, to His feet. It’s all about Him. Wherever we go, whenever we get there, whoever we’re with, whatever we’re doing, it’s Him.

We’ve been called to Him.

That can mean a lot of different things. That can look a lot of different ways. But no matter what, we need to go. We need to follow.

I’ve been reading this book my mom gave me forever ago, called In the Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, by Mark Batterson. He points to the story of Benaiah, from 2 Samuel. Benaiah is this crazy dude whose claim to fame is chasing a lion into a pit during a blizzard, and it changes his whole life. Throughout In the Pit, Batterson reminds us that we are called to be these lion chasers who seize opportunities that God gives us. And he asks us this:

What will you miss out on if you let your fears dictate your choices? Is being ‘safe’ really worth it? Maybe God wants to show you something about yourself or Himself, but you’ll never know what it is unless you chase your lion… I’m convinced that many of us are one lion chase away from our dreams becoming reality. I can’t promise it will be a short chase or an easy chase. It will involve fear and uncertainty and risk. But where you end up in life really comes down to how you react when you cross paths with a lion.”

Not much really matters for eternity. If I end up as an English teacher, it won’t change eternity. But if I refuse to chase the lions God gives me because my fear has taken over my life?

If I refuse to have the faith to follow Christ because of hypotheticals?

If I refuse to move and become stagnant in my faith because the future seems daunting?

That doesn’t change God, but that does change my relationship with Him. And my relationship with God matters for eternity.

Lions are scary.

But an eternity wasted? That’s terrifying.

(PS: “ailurophobia” is the fear of cats, and her name isn’t actually Linda)